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Jan, 1 2013

Well, today, I can honsestly say that, I  don't know what to expect. It's a new year, and with my history, it's a new  time for another new tourcher devie that can be used agaist me. You see, my parents, as loving as they are but I wouldnt call it that, restrict me too much. I have never been touched by them, well, not yet at least, but I unfortuantly cant say the same about others. My school mates think that I'm a good target. They always caled me hurtful ames behind my back, and threw stuff. Just because of the way tat I dressed when I was a kid. Unfortuantly, the insults and same old tiring gaes have followed my through out my whole schooling life. I am now 16, so, a sophmore.  I am ust thankfull that the abuse at school has stoped. I had to be trasfpered to make it stop, which means that the school lied. There is a no bllieing pollacy, and well, I was bullied.  Now, i have gotten myself grounded. I can not do anything that I was usin to ke my sanity, altho, according to my parents, I was doing something that I wasn't to suppost to. And here's  the sad part, I don't even know what i did to get myself grounded. Life is getting worse I dot know how to describe it. And even if I did,I wouldn't because I have a feeling that my brother looks in here. I don't know what else to put. Let's just hope that life will get better tomorrow, that's all I can do now..... 

Jan 2 2013

My fear was relized. I cant write anything in here that will express my true feelings, because I found my brother leafing through my journal. Though I had been given hints that he was doing it anyways. I have been getting into more lectures with my parets over what I need to focus on, and they are using the examples that  have written down. I do still care what most poeple think of me, but not as much as I used to. Today, I'm on another slope. I honestly don't know if that makes sence, but its true. I think something has finally snaped in my head, and now, I have homisidal thouhgts. im scared of what will happen if I keep them to myself. I know that I have to express them, and jornal writing just isn't working anymore. I want to kill something. I need to feel like I have pwoer, btu how.... And when..... 

Jan 3 2013

I HATE MY LIFE! I can't focus anymore! My boyfriend has become a big pain. Any time I ignore him for 3 seconds, he turns around saying that he will kill himself if I don't pay him more attention that what ever I am doing. I do't know when I should tell him it's over, or ustkill him.... hmmm...... killing sounds like a gd idea. Anyways, back to what I was saying.  My pets are dying of strange illnesses. The vets can`t figure out whats happening to them. This morning, I woke up on the front lawn, in a snow bank. not being able to remeber anything that had happened. That's not the only strange occurance to happen to me in the last few weeks. It`s almost like I black out, and when I come back to my sences, theres something dead. I keep a collection of squirl and bird heads in the back of my closet, along with my journal. I can`t imagine what my parents would say if they found out about what I`m doing. I have now turned to drugs to try and stop what I am doing, but they don`t help any. If anything, I black out more, I don`t know if thats the right word. Anyways, I took the drugs, and then, my worst enimy turned up dead hours later. I can`t keep this up. I am giving it a week, if its not clear by then..... I too, WILL end up dead.

Jan 4 2013

I know I said that I would wait a week until I do something stupid, but I cut the houses nautral gas line last night. My family is dead. I will be dead, but not by that. What is really scaring my, is the fact that, after I watched my brother stager out of the house, I pushed him back in, and then lit a match, and threw it into the house, so vit was set on fire. I ENJOYED listening to the screaming inside. I am currently waiting on a neighbouring roof, for the fire department to come, then I will slit my throught, mabey.... i may do something else, *snickers to self*  and fall in front of them. This journal will be thrown into the fire seconds before I do that. Mabey now everyone will be happy with me..... 

But, I know I can't survive. I now know that everyone WILL be happy for my death......

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